19 May

Before I left for India, I was fraught with nervousness and a sense of loss; like I was putting my life ‘on hold’ yet again. ‘On hold’ again because it had taken such a long time to get a point where I could live my life without clutching my chest to keep the pieces of my broken heart from falling out. I felt like I was ‘on hold’ again after travelling for two months in Europe where I was seemingly taking a hiatus from life before the responsibilities of a new career and path structured my life and created a sense of normalcy and order. By going to India for three months, I felt that I was yet again putting my life ‘on hold’ by putting off the ability to plan out my life in years, not days or weeks, and ultimately foregoing control not just over where I was, but where I was going.

Now, after ‘putting my life on hold’ yet again, I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to settle down in one place yet. I don’t even want to begin looking for something that could eventually ‘settle me down.’ I think I have found the beginning of my path; to explore, to experience and to discover. I never really had a real purpose in life or something that I desperately wanted to do or accomplish. Some people want to cure cancer or devote their lives to NGOs… I never felt this draw to something outside of myself, or so I thought. I always believed that I needed to get a sensible job and earn money to support myself and an eventual family. I have realized though that as I begin to settle into this lifestyle that I thought was for me, it is not for me at all.

I thought I was idealistic, I was not. I acted realistically and logically in working to secure a good job and a good base for starting my adult life. I realize that I was being practical and fitting into a mold, a mold I am finding I do not fit into.

I did, I do, have a dream and a drive to do something outside myself. I want to write. I want to read. I want to be surrounded by the written word and enhance its proliferation. I never thought that this would be a smart or fulfilling choice for the path my life should follow but I realize that money and security really mean nothing if you are not truly happy and fulfilled. Perhaps I would not realize this if I had not had a taste of true happiness and freedom when I was ironically ‘putting my life on hold’ for those two months in Europe. But I have and so cannot help but dream about finding this happiness and fulfillment again.

I was not putting my life on hold at all by coming to India, I was finally discovering the beginning of my journey through life and self discovery. I was unearthing and learning to accept my wanderlust.

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