I am frozen.
What I’ve chosen,
is to be dead
inside.
Things.
Give them all to me.
Pile them on,
One
on top
of the other.
More,
more things.
Stuff them inside
until there is
no
more
room.
Until there is
no room
to breath.
No space
to just be sad.
To be lonely.
To be mad.
No space
to be numb.
No space
to become
anything.
Only room to be
everything.
June 21, 2016
Paralyzed? No.
Numb? Maybe
Excited? Not really.
Forward
not backwards,
I’m moving.
To you? From you?
Not sure.
Looking for a cue.
Not sure
if I’m waiting for it
to come from you.
Or from me.
I just want to be free.
I’m moving.
Forward.
Putting pieces of us
in a box.
Carry it with me.
Leave it behind.
Maybe I’ll lose it,
or maybe,
I’ll continue to
carry it inside.
Here. I am here.
You, you are over there.
Standing, moving, running.
Away from and to,
into and through.
Floating. I am floating.
On the currents.
To and fro
I go.
Into, away from you,
from me.
Back to you, away from you.
Into something new.
Over there, you’re over
there.
I, I am everywhere.
In the trees,
in my skin.
I do not freeze,
I begin.
I am like the leaves.
Falling, falling.
Spun around and around.
Spinning to the ground.
Into the earth
I disintegrate.
Back into the dirt.
Back into the earth.
Floating in between everything.
I become everything,
am everything.
And nothing
Only floating,
floating,
floating.
In the earth
On the wind.
On the current.
I am lost, and I am
found.
Without a sound,
I come unbound.
I’ve made so many wishes. So many wishes at 11:11. How many times have my feet hovered just above the car’s floor as we drove over a bridge? Muscles tensing to hold onto a wish until we made it to the other side. How many times have I held my breath while throttling through a tunnel and momentary darkness? Wishing my wish would come true and that we’d collide. Too many wishes I’ve hung in the air, to float on the wind, through my hair. Hanging in the air, they seem to carelessly flutter around and around, never really taking hold of anything. Aimlessly traveling, hoping, wishing to be found.
Wish for love, wish for kindness.
Wish for connection.
Hope for a call, or a text.
Hope for a sigh.
Wish for wanting. Want for wanting.
Subscribe to loneliness.
Hate it.
Desperately desire it.
Can’t live without it.
Yearn to be misunderstood
in understanding.
Love to be misjudged
and comprehended.
It’s me.
Click.
Silence.
Dial tone.
Walk over, sit down
No, wait.
Pace,
this out.
Knock
knock, knock.
Who is it?
It’s me.
Lock.
Creak, crash
Boom.
Shudder, lurch.
Collide
into ______.
Sigh, collapse
fall down
come in.
Let’s begin,
again.
October 10, 2013
My hair.
My hair gets all the compliments. Just the other day it shrugged off a compliment about its color. My hair is too long, it’s always blowing around me, allowing the wind to wind its fingers through it to ultimately blind me and find its way into my mouth, necessitating I never wear lip gloss. My hair somehow always finds its way underneath me or other things, dragging me back to where it wishes to stay. My hair can never make up its mind and always goes with the flow, but alas, it is attached to my head and cannot go.
Rings so so true for the me that was two years ago. Beautiful.
Since you’ve been gone, my world has come to a halt. Food has lost its taste. I hear no rhythm in music. I see no beauty in nature. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My heart feels like it’s being weighed down with a thousand stones. I am numb.
At night, I wish for a peaceful sleep. I pray that you don’t haunt my dreams. I hope that the night slips by uninterrupted because each time I wake I relive this horrible reality. At times I forget that you’re gone. I feel your phantom body next to mine holding me close, whispering that you’ll never leave me. Life feels like a nightmare since you’ve been gone.
I walk. I walk because that’s all I can do. I walk and I think, probably more than I should. I try to figure out what went wrong and…
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My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I ate this book up during the Thanksgiving Holiday break, and I still cannot stop talking about it or finding things in the Bay Area that make this book seem like a narrative about the present, rather than just a Science Fiction novel a la 1984.
Eggers’ The Circle should be read by everyone in the Bay Area, especially those that work at Google. In the book, Eggers questions Big Data and how the Circle, a Google-like” corporation, uses it to close the gap between our lives in the tangible world and our lives on the Interwebs. He explores the benefits and drawbacks this poses through Mae, the main character of the novel, and her experiences working at the Circle and interacting with her family and friends inside and outside of the company. Through Mae, Eggers explores the value our society places on privacy versus transparency. Mae has to decide if the ability to lead an honest life can coincide with one that deems that some parts of life are best kept private. Granted, some of the scenarios in the book are extreme, but it definitely got me thinking about all the online accounts I have linked to Facebook (which is the main reason I have not deleted my account).
More than once, I thought of Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, You Are Here: Discovering the Magic of the Present Moment while reading The Circle. I thought about mindfulness, how I am pursuing it, like so many of my friends, and how being mindful can and cannot coexist in a world where our lives have become ensconced within our devices. I just hope we don’t become like the walking corpses Thich Nhat Hanh talks about in his book. (And I’m glad I got a physical copy of both books so that I wasn’t reading either of them on a device.)
I don’t want to give too much away, so I will stop here. I guess you will just have to read it for yourself and decide if what Eggers describes is science fiction or reality.
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